In Another Person's Shoes.

I feel lost, like nobody can hear me, like nobody understands me... I feel trapped in my own crazy jumbled thoughts. Did you ever have that feeling? The feeling of crying out into the night wishing someone would hear you, that no matter what you do nobody understands, ever... Want to know why people don't understand, because I finally figured it out. Nobody ever really 100% understands because they're not you & not in your exact situation, nobody can tell you how YOU feel. Want to know what I hate? I absolutely despise when someone looks me dead in the eye & tries to tell me how the hell I feel. Like what is that shit, and who are you trying to tell me how I feel? I also hate when people try and tell me I'm "too young to know what love is." I don't think I should really be "in love" at this age, because honestly after falling in love for the first time in my life made me realize how much it is to handle, it takes a lot of time, work, and dedication. But I totally disagree when people say you're too young to be in love or know what love is; because you can fall in love at any point in your life. Love doesn't have an age limit, and I know myself well enough to know how I'm feeling. I'm pretty sure someone doesn't know exactly how I feel, I don't tell you how you feel or how to live your life, so don't do that shit to me. These past few days I've felt so upset, drained, and invisible to just about everyone. Have you ever felt that way, if you haven't I hope you don't. It's one of the worst ways to feel, it makes you feel like you're nothing & nobody cares, and that you're not meant to be happy. But let me tell you, you are worth it and there's someone out there who's going to make you really happy. Honestly once you realize that you'll be a lot better off, you'll feel better and you won't have to constantly worry about what's going to happen next. But lastly there are people who care whether you realize it or not, in the end everything will be okay. All you need to do is stay strong and try to think positive, and I know at times it's extremely hard to do that but after a while if you keep convincing yourself that everything over time will get better and fall into place you'll start to feel a lot better because you aren't constantly thinking negative thoughts and putting yourself down. The only thing you can do is to deal with it, sometimes it hurts to just deal with it but eventually once you deal with it you'll start to feel better. You have to deal with the worst to get the best.

Make A Change.

Disregarded, mistreated, shattered feelings. All of those sound familiar to me, it seems like that's honestly all I know anymore. Broken hearts, broken dreams, jumbled thoughts... Yeah that just about explains my life. I have the hardest time trusting people anymore, because it seems as if every time I trust someone and put my everything into it it basically turns right around and bites me in the ass. I always let my guard down and then I end up getting hurt, it happens every damn time. I always try and act like none of this shit bothers me but honestly it's slowly eating away at me inside. I try my hardest to stay as strong as I can but after a while I can't hold it in anymore and I just break down completely. I feel like all the people that have hurt me or let me down don't deserve my time at all, because they didn't give me their time when I needed it the most, so why the hell should I give them mine? Before I realized that I shouldn't take shit from anyone I used to give ANYONE the time of day & honestly it's probably why I got walked all over... But hey we all have to learn how to stand up for ourselves after taking shit from everyone. I hate admitting that I got walked all over because I feel like it makes me look weak, I won't lie I used to be weak & I'd believe almost everything, but that's my own fault. At least I own up to my mistakes, right? Everything in my past I don't regret at all because it all made me the strong person I am today.

Thoughts.

So you want to know what's on my mind? Well I think there's not enough time or words in the world to describe what the hell is on my mind right now. So I'm just going to try and summarize it as best as I can... I have a million and one crazy thoughts going through my head right now, most of which would probably confuse the shit out of you. I have a lot of weird messed up thoughts which probably stem from my constant mood changes. It really sucks, I honestly just wish I could go back to being a kid when everything was easy and I didn't have a care in the world. I was in such a hurry to grow up and be older and now I wish I could take it all back and just be a kid forever. If I could go back to being a kid and tell myself everything I know now and warn myself of all the problems I'd have to deal with and prevent it all from happening I would. Do you want to know why, simply because I don't think anyone should have to go through pain, especially if they didn't do anything to deserve it. I mean I understand going through half this crap is a part of life and growing up, but why does it have to constantly happen over and over again? Nobody ever said it would be this hard, but then again nobody ever said it would be easy. I think it all happened too fast, I just want to rewind life and slow it down. I wish I had a second chance, because I'd go back in time and stop myself from fucking up as bad as I did. I still think about it everyday and it eats away at me. But I'm a better person now, I'm not that same screw up that I used to be from the beginning of middle school to the middle of sophomore year in high school. But hey everyone makes mistakes, and we learn from them. I'm not perfect and I still have things about myself to work on and I try day by day to make myself a better person, because I know I'm capable of being so much more. How I look at it is there's always room for improvement, I don't care who you are. I also believe that everyone deserves a second chance, depending on the situation of course. I believe that because nobody is perfect and everyone screws up. I always think that before people try and judge someone and pick out their flaws they should look at themselves first. You shouldn't judge someone by what you hear or think, you should take your time and get to know that person, and for the people who are being "judged" if somebody doesn't want to give you a chance and get to know you then they're not worth your time. Trust me I know from experiences. I feel like people shouldn't be judged off of their past, especially if they changed and they're not that same person anymore. Because honestly nobody should have to suffer because of what they did in the past, depending on the situation and the severity of it. Because it's not fair and it hurts a lot trust me. That is the major thing that is usually always on my mind. There is so many things running through my mind right now it's not even funny. It definitely is way too much to explain. I will never be able to get it all out. I really just need someone to listen to me, I just want to be understood. But then again who doesn't want to be heard? Everyone has a voice and whether you think so or not they definitely deserve to be heard. I could sit here for hours and write what's on my mind because it's honestly a never ending train of thoughts. Honestly everyone needs to think before they say or judge someone, because words hurt and you never know what that person may be going through... Just think what if someone did that to you and didn't give you a chance and made you feel like shit all of the time, it's not a good feeling and it hurts a lot trust me. All everybody needs to do is just take a moment and sit back and think, it could make a huge difference in someone's life.

Hard To Remember

Do you remember when we were best friends? Do you remember when we did almost everything together? Well I do, and it hurts me to think and know that it isn’t what it used to be. I think about it all the time, and it constantly eats me alive, this thing it keeps ringing in my head. I always wonder if there is anything I can do to change it or take it back to the way things were, but I also think that you should also be putting in just as much effort as I am. We need to work through this together, because that’s what “best friends” do right? We always used to say that we’d be best friends forever, and for a while I believed that because it wasn’t until high school when things got a little bumpy and hard to deal with. I mean I definitely understand that people usually go their separate ways once they hit high school, but if you’re true friends then nothing will tear you apart. We always swore to each other that we would NEVER let anything come between us ever. I mean I definitely kept my part of the agreement, I’m just wondering where you’re at and if you even care enough anymore to make this friendship work. If you do you definitely have a weird way of showing it, because you honestly make NO effort anymore. Do you remember when we were basically attached at the hip, any where that I was you were there with me & any where you were I was right there with you. I’m not asking to be with each other all the time because that is extremely hard because we both have jobs and lives. The one thing that keeps ringing in my head was the first time we called each other best friends. I remember it like it was yesterday, we were coming in from sledding and we were freezing so your mom had made us hot chocolate and we laid down and watched movies together. We had just finished drinking our hot chocolate and we both just started randomly laughing out of no where and we looked at each other and just stopped and stared for a few minutes then out of no where at the same time we both said “I’m glad that you’re my best friend” and then we both giggled because we didn’t really think anything big of it, I mean hey we were just kids not really knowing the true meaning of a best friend. But we knew enough about it to be able to call each other best friends, I honestly can’t even remember the last time I heard you call me your best friend. Do you understand how much that hurts? Sometimes I feel like you don’t understand, or you just don’t care enough to understand. Can we please just go back to the time when things were so easy and we had nothing to worry about and we were just so inseparable? No matter what happens whether we’re friends or not I will ALWAYS be here for you if you ever need anything, because I made a promise to you and I don’t break promises so I will keep it. I hope you will do the same for me, we’ve been through too much to just give up now. Friendships are made to go through stuff like this, and I guess that’s why we’re still here today as friends. Do you remember anything at all, the stupid little fights we had when we were younger, the fun memorable sleep overs that we had as much as we could? I mean we did absolutely everything together, some of the most important events in my life happened when you were with me, and it means a lot. It’s just hard to sit there and look back at all these things and know that there is a possibility that they’re not there anymore, I just want it all back. Don’t you? I wish I could say this to you in person, there’s never really anytime and I feel like it wouldn’t come out the right way. It’s a lot easier when I write things out, it helps a lot. I honestly just want to know where you’re at with all of this, do you still consider me your “best friend” or am I just a friend? Let me know because I really don’t want to waste my time on something that isn’t going any where at all. I’ve been fighting for this friendship for long enough, it’s time you step up and do something about it.

Misunderstood.

Something you don’t understand… Hm, how about the overpowering love that I have for you. You know I do understand that sometimes it may be hard considering I always keep my guard up to prevent shit like this from happening. Even sometimes I get confused about love, because it’s such a broad subject. I want everything to be just set in stone and understandable because this, you not knowing how I feel is really starting to take a toll on me. It really isn’t easy anymore, not even the slightest bit. This all made me realize not to try and be more than friends with someone you’ve been best friends with for a while, it doesn’t work out well. For the most part it doesn’t. You don’t even acknowledge me anymore, I don’t miss you as a significant other I really don’t; I just miss you as my best friend. You were always there for me when I needed you, but where are you now? Not with me where you promised you’d be. It really just makes me think were you ever a “true friend” because true friends don’t leave, you try your best to possibly work through things. But no you wanted to go and give up as soon as shit got tough. I probably should have listened to you in the beginning when you said maybe we shouldn’t try it because you don’t want to risk our friendship because it was really valuable to you. You said to me that if we didn’t end up working you’d always be there for me as a friend, for the most part you’d always ask me if I’d still be there for you as a friend if we didn’t work out. But in the end who ended up leaving, you did. But honestly I don’t regret it one bit, because it taught me a lot. It made me a stronger person, mentally & emotionally. You taught me a lot and I thank you for that, I just wish you were still here to see how much better I’m doing and how much of a better person I am. I’m not going to lie I stressed over you for the longest time because I fell in love with you, but the thing that sucked the most is that you didn’t love me back. That has to be the worst feeling in the world, falling in love with someone that just doesn’t love you back. But honestly it teaches you to be a better person, and just to not look for that in the next person. I can’t sit here and honestly say that I want you back in my life, but I do miss our friendship it was something I valued a lot. You obviously didn’t, but you will eventually learn and see the shit you did. Then you will be coming back, and I can’t say what I’ll do because honestly I have no idea. This is my misunderstood love story, to you. I hope one day you’ll hopefully realize, but maybe once you do realize it’ll be too late. So take your chance while you have it, or I’m gone.

Do You Remember?

Do you remember the time we tried to stay up all night on a school night? We were so young and thought it was so cool to stay up all night and not go to sleep at all. Little did we know, that really wasn’t the smartest thing to do on a night where we had school the next day. I remember we ran downstairs to your kitchen to grab all the food and sugary snacks that we could possibly grab to last us all night. We grabbed everything all at once because we knew if we made a second trip down there in the middle of the night your parents would hear us and we would get in trouble and they would make us go to sleep. This whole staying up all night thing didn’t work out at all. I remember we passed out around 12 midnight, we were exhausted. Do you remember that?

            Do you remember the time we called ourselves “ best friends” for the first time? It was just a normal day of us hanging out, which was basically a daily thing for us. It was wintertime and extremely freezing outside, there was snow on the ground. We had decided that we didn’t want to waste time and sit around inside, we were kids we wanted to go out sledding and have a good time. So that’s what we did. We got really cold really fast, so we decided to just go back to your house. Once we got back we put our pajamas on and drank hot chocolate that your mom had made us, and we watched movies. Oddly at the same time we both said, “I’m so glad you’re my best friend.” So ever since then we’ve been best friends. Do you remember, I do. I love you Alexis Gabrielle Jenofsky<3.

            Do you remember the time we asked if you’d be allowed to come on vacation to Ocean City Maryland with me? We really weren’t scared to ask because we were older now and we’ve also been friends for a while. My family had considered you family, and your family had done the same for me. We would call each other “cousins” because we were so damn close, and I can proudly say that up to this day we still have the same amazing friendship. I am lucky to have you in my life. I’m also extremely happy that I have you in my life, because now a days it’s hard to find genuinely good people or good friends. But any way back to the story, we asked and got a yes. We were so excited! I think it was our first vacation together, I don’t really remember. But it was a great vacation because I had you there to spend it with. Do you remember, I do <3

            Do you remember the time we joined Penn Academy dance together? I really don’t remember every little detail about this because we were like six when we signed up for it. But we started dancing there and we’ve been dancing there together ever since. I remember being so excited because it meant now we would get to spend even more time together. People used to say we were attached at the hip and we were always together. We still are like that but it’s different now because we have jobs and other friends too, and school to keep up on. But do you remember that time, I do <3

            Basically to just cut to the chase, this was simply about someone who’s been my best friend since we first met when we were 2. She’s always been there for me and I chose to write these little do you remember things about her because she’s been there the most and the person who means the most. I hope I made it clear that she’s my best friend and we have way too many memories together so starting me off with these starter sentences made it a lot easier for me to explain memories we had together. I love you Alexis Gabrielle Jenofsky, we’ve been best friends since we were 2 and we will continue to be best friends. You’re genuinely such a good friend and a good person; I’m lucky to have you in my life.