Summer .

School is over, well for me at least. It's summer time and all that I feel right now is excitement and happiness, it's such a great indescribable feeling. I'm not saying that I don't like school but it is honestly something that I don't prefer, I basically just tolerate it just to get through. Because honestly who actually enjoys school? School is just stress on stress on stress on stress for me and I consider summer time a time to release it all, not in a bad retaliating way but in a good way for the most part. This school year was a good one for the most part, I buckled down and tried my hardest and had good grades most of the time, but there is ALWAYS room for improvement and that is how I constantly challenge myself is by telling myself that there is always room for improvement and I'm a lot better than what I'm doing. I will be a senior in less than 2 days so it's time to start getting a little more serious, because colleges still do look at grades from your senior year. This is probably one of the most pointless posts that I have ever done for this class but this is basically the only thing on my mind so I decided to write about what was clearly on my mind, because other than that I'm really not in school mode anymore which probably isn't good considering school really isn't over yet, but I know where I stand with everything and with all of my school work so I decided to just get out of school mode, but not completely yet. Summer time isn't just a time to lay back and relax but to also get all of your stuff together and to start preparing yourself for your future, for whatever you decide to take on in your later life. It's a time to start figuring out for a definite where you want to go for college and what you want to do once you get there, but at the same time it's not time to stress over things that basically don't need to be done right that second, but it's always good to be prepared and to know what you want to do with your life, especially at this point and time when you're about to be a senior. This post is basically a diary entry for me because it's not a story I planned out it's just a bunch of pointless but not pointless shit that is on my mind. I plan on doing my best and always trying hard starting the beginning of my senior year, I really want to do something with my life and go somewhere with my life in the future. One thing I do need to work on with myself is my laziness but that's something a lot of people struggle with, especially when it comes to the end of the year because a lot of people see it as a time to wind down and to start being lazy but that's also when teachers decide to load us with a bunch of tests and projects and stupid pointless homework's. You may think they're pointless but they actually might help you out in the future whether you think so or not, and that's something we all really need to realize or we're going to have a lot of trouble in the future, we all need to start being more responsible and stop complaining about every little damn thing we have to do, yeah it might suck but there's a reason that you have to do it, so we all need to suck it up and stop being such babies about it. Seriously guys, it's time to grow up.

Chattering Teeth.

My teeth were chattering, it wasn't any different than any other cold winter day. I knew that I should have layered up in clothes, but it was too late I had already left my house and was already half way to my friends house, and of course I was walking. Probably not the smartest thing to do, especially when it was extremely cold and windy outside which of course made it a hundred times colder. I was so cold and the whole time I was trying to convince myself that it was all in my head and it really wasn't that cold outside, it honestly worked for a minute if I was lucky, and before I knew it my teeth were right back at it chattering again & a lot faster than they were before, just my luck right? I started to walk a lot faster so I could just get to my friends house, by walking faster it got my adrenaline pumping faster which kind of warmed me up. I finally got to my friends house, I ran inside and jumped under a bunch of warm blankets. She said she wanted to go out to hangout and I looked at her like she was crazy or something. I said to her "I think I need to defrost myself first, I'm frozen." She laughed at me but I really didn't think it was funny. From that day forward I made sure I dressed a lot warmer so I wouldn't have to deal with those annoying chattering teeth ever again. :)

Family Is Forever .

It was the middle of my sophomore year and things really started to take a turn for the worst. Everyone who I thought was my friend all of a sudden started to turn their backs on me when things started to get complicated & I could’ve sworn that was when your friends were supposed to be there the most, but clearly I was wrong. This had to be the first time that I realized that through anything that possibly comes my way my family will always be there no matter what happens. At the time I really didn’t realize what I was doing was wrong, I didn’t think I had a bad reputation but I honestly did. It’s not that I was doing things to get it that way it was just the way I acted and the way people took it. I guess I really didn’t want to realize it, people were constantly talking about me and in the beginning it really didn’t bother me but after a while it started to really get to me & I remember I would go home every night and cry, because people would seriously make it a bigger deal than it actually was. When all of this started happening and I was known to have a bad reputation all the people I thought were my friends and the ones that I thought would be there for me and be helping me along no matter what happened were starting to turn their backs on me. I felt so invisible, I felt like I had nobody. But once my family found out what was going on they sat down and had a talk with me, I always thought that my family was just there for whatever but at this time during this situation I realized my family was there for me through thick and thin and they would help me along and they were here to stay. I never really knew the meaning of family is forever until my whole world started to crash and burn around me and in the end my family was the only people standing right by my side. I remember this like it was yesterday, I was at dance class and I had found out that my “best friend” was trying to get rid of me but do it in what she thought was a nice way, she would tell everyone but me that she didn’t want to be friends anymore. I was so furious at first but then all of a sudden all of that anger turned straight into tears and I didn’t even know what was going on. Everything was such a blur at that moment, so she pulled me aside and said "I'll come over after dance and me you and your mom will have a talk" so I said fine and just went about my dance class, but I was absolutely miserable the whole time because I felt so left out and I felt so invisible and I felt like nobody cared. So come the end of our dance class me her & my mom went back to my house and we all sat in my room. At first it was awkward and the tension was something I just couldn't handle, so I finally broke down and said "You're supposed to be my best friend but you're talking about me to other people and trying not to be my friend anymore" so she started getting into everything and telling me things I already knew, well what I thought I knew at least. It was basically a reality check for me, and my mom was telling me the same things that my best friend was. That conversation really affected me and made me think, maybe it was time to change my ways or the way I was doing things; because clearly the way I was already doing things just weren't working. So from that day forward I made a change in myself and the way I seen myself. This all goes to show you that your family will ALWAYS be there no matter what life throws right in your face without any type of warning. So as the year went on my family was standing right by my side helping me change and go through it all, because it wasn't easy at all. There was a lot of pain and struggles that came along with it, up to this day I still deal with a lot of the shit talking but no matter what you do that's never going to change, it's just something you learn to deal with. But I always know when anything happens my family is sitting right there waiting to help me, and each and every time I get through it because of them. It was one of the biggest events in my life, and it made me realize for the first time that my family would always be there for me no matter what.

In Another Person's Shoes.

I feel lost, like nobody can hear me, like nobody understands me... I feel trapped in my own crazy jumbled thoughts. Did you ever have that feeling? The feeling of crying out into the night wishing someone would hear you, that no matter what you do nobody understands, ever... Want to know why people don't understand, because I finally figured it out. Nobody ever really 100% understands because they're not you & not in your exact situation, nobody can tell you how YOU feel. Want to know what I hate? I absolutely despise when someone looks me dead in the eye & tries to tell me how the hell I feel. Like what is that shit, and who are you trying to tell me how I feel? I also hate when people try and tell me I'm "too young to know what love is." I don't think I should really be "in love" at this age, because honestly after falling in love for the first time in my life made me realize how much it is to handle, it takes a lot of time, work, and dedication. But I totally disagree when people say you're too young to be in love or know what love is; because you can fall in love at any point in your life. Love doesn't have an age limit, and I know myself well enough to know how I'm feeling. I'm pretty sure someone doesn't know exactly how I feel, I don't tell you how you feel or how to live your life, so don't do that shit to me. These past few days I've felt so upset, drained, and invisible to just about everyone. Have you ever felt that way, if you haven't I hope you don't. It's one of the worst ways to feel, it makes you feel like you're nothing & nobody cares, and that you're not meant to be happy. But let me tell you, you are worth it and there's someone out there who's going to make you really happy. Honestly once you realize that you'll be a lot better off, you'll feel better and you won't have to constantly worry about what's going to happen next. But lastly there are people who care whether you realize it or not, in the end everything will be okay. All you need to do is stay strong and try to think positive, and I know at times it's extremely hard to do that but after a while if you keep convincing yourself that everything over time will get better and fall into place you'll start to feel a lot better because you aren't constantly thinking negative thoughts and putting yourself down. The only thing you can do is to deal with it, sometimes it hurts to just deal with it but eventually once you deal with it you'll start to feel better. You have to deal with the worst to get the best.

Make A Change.

Disregarded, mistreated, shattered feelings. All of those sound familiar to me, it seems like that's honestly all I know anymore. Broken hearts, broken dreams, jumbled thoughts... Yeah that just about explains my life. I have the hardest time trusting people anymore, because it seems as if every time I trust someone and put my everything into it it basically turns right around and bites me in the ass. I always let my guard down and then I end up getting hurt, it happens every damn time. I always try and act like none of this shit bothers me but honestly it's slowly eating away at me inside. I try my hardest to stay as strong as I can but after a while I can't hold it in anymore and I just break down completely. I feel like all the people that have hurt me or let me down don't deserve my time at all, because they didn't give me their time when I needed it the most, so why the hell should I give them mine? Before I realized that I shouldn't take shit from anyone I used to give ANYONE the time of day & honestly it's probably why I got walked all over... But hey we all have to learn how to stand up for ourselves after taking shit from everyone. I hate admitting that I got walked all over because I feel like it makes me look weak, I won't lie I used to be weak & I'd believe almost everything, but that's my own fault. At least I own up to my mistakes, right? Everything in my past I don't regret at all because it all made me the strong person I am today.

Thoughts.

So you want to know what's on my mind? Well I think there's not enough time or words in the world to describe what the hell is on my mind right now. So I'm just going to try and summarize it as best as I can... I have a million and one crazy thoughts going through my head right now, most of which would probably confuse the shit out of you. I have a lot of weird messed up thoughts which probably stem from my constant mood changes. It really sucks, I honestly just wish I could go back to being a kid when everything was easy and I didn't have a care in the world. I was in such a hurry to grow up and be older and now I wish I could take it all back and just be a kid forever. If I could go back to being a kid and tell myself everything I know now and warn myself of all the problems I'd have to deal with and prevent it all from happening I would. Do you want to know why, simply because I don't think anyone should have to go through pain, especially if they didn't do anything to deserve it. I mean I understand going through half this crap is a part of life and growing up, but why does it have to constantly happen over and over again? Nobody ever said it would be this hard, but then again nobody ever said it would be easy. I think it all happened too fast, I just want to rewind life and slow it down. I wish I had a second chance, because I'd go back in time and stop myself from fucking up as bad as I did. I still think about it everyday and it eats away at me. But I'm a better person now, I'm not that same screw up that I used to be from the beginning of middle school to the middle of sophomore year in high school. But hey everyone makes mistakes, and we learn from them. I'm not perfect and I still have things about myself to work on and I try day by day to make myself a better person, because I know I'm capable of being so much more. How I look at it is there's always room for improvement, I don't care who you are. I also believe that everyone deserves a second chance, depending on the situation of course. I believe that because nobody is perfect and everyone screws up. I always think that before people try and judge someone and pick out their flaws they should look at themselves first. You shouldn't judge someone by what you hear or think, you should take your time and get to know that person, and for the people who are being "judged" if somebody doesn't want to give you a chance and get to know you then they're not worth your time. Trust me I know from experiences. I feel like people shouldn't be judged off of their past, especially if they changed and they're not that same person anymore. Because honestly nobody should have to suffer because of what they did in the past, depending on the situation and the severity of it. Because it's not fair and it hurts a lot trust me. That is the major thing that is usually always on my mind. There is so many things running through my mind right now it's not even funny. It definitely is way too much to explain. I will never be able to get it all out. I really just need someone to listen to me, I just want to be understood. But then again who doesn't want to be heard? Everyone has a voice and whether you think so or not they definitely deserve to be heard. I could sit here for hours and write what's on my mind because it's honestly a never ending train of thoughts. Honestly everyone needs to think before they say or judge someone, because words hurt and you never know what that person may be going through... Just think what if someone did that to you and didn't give you a chance and made you feel like shit all of the time, it's not a good feeling and it hurts a lot trust me. All everybody needs to do is just take a moment and sit back and think, it could make a huge difference in someone's life.

Hard To Remember

Do you remember when we were best friends? Do you remember when we did almost everything together? Well I do, and it hurts me to think and know that it isn’t what it used to be. I think about it all the time, and it constantly eats me alive, this thing it keeps ringing in my head. I always wonder if there is anything I can do to change it or take it back to the way things were, but I also think that you should also be putting in just as much effort as I am. We need to work through this together, because that’s what “best friends” do right? We always used to say that we’d be best friends forever, and for a while I believed that because it wasn’t until high school when things got a little bumpy and hard to deal with. I mean I definitely understand that people usually go their separate ways once they hit high school, but if you’re true friends then nothing will tear you apart. We always swore to each other that we would NEVER let anything come between us ever. I mean I definitely kept my part of the agreement, I’m just wondering where you’re at and if you even care enough anymore to make this friendship work. If you do you definitely have a weird way of showing it, because you honestly make NO effort anymore. Do you remember when we were basically attached at the hip, any where that I was you were there with me & any where you were I was right there with you. I’m not asking to be with each other all the time because that is extremely hard because we both have jobs and lives. The one thing that keeps ringing in my head was the first time we called each other best friends. I remember it like it was yesterday, we were coming in from sledding and we were freezing so your mom had made us hot chocolate and we laid down and watched movies together. We had just finished drinking our hot chocolate and we both just started randomly laughing out of no where and we looked at each other and just stopped and stared for a few minutes then out of no where at the same time we both said “I’m glad that you’re my best friend” and then we both giggled because we didn’t really think anything big of it, I mean hey we were just kids not really knowing the true meaning of a best friend. But we knew enough about it to be able to call each other best friends, I honestly can’t even remember the last time I heard you call me your best friend. Do you understand how much that hurts? Sometimes I feel like you don’t understand, or you just don’t care enough to understand. Can we please just go back to the time when things were so easy and we had nothing to worry about and we were just so inseparable? No matter what happens whether we’re friends or not I will ALWAYS be here for you if you ever need anything, because I made a promise to you and I don’t break promises so I will keep it. I hope you will do the same for me, we’ve been through too much to just give up now. Friendships are made to go through stuff like this, and I guess that’s why we’re still here today as friends. Do you remember anything at all, the stupid little fights we had when we were younger, the fun memorable sleep overs that we had as much as we could? I mean we did absolutely everything together, some of the most important events in my life happened when you were with me, and it means a lot. It’s just hard to sit there and look back at all these things and know that there is a possibility that they’re not there anymore, I just want it all back. Don’t you? I wish I could say this to you in person, there’s never really anytime and I feel like it wouldn’t come out the right way. It’s a lot easier when I write things out, it helps a lot. I honestly just want to know where you’re at with all of this, do you still consider me your “best friend” or am I just a friend? Let me know because I really don’t want to waste my time on something that isn’t going any where at all. I’ve been fighting for this friendship for long enough, it’s time you step up and do something about it.